I’ve had a rough few years, at times I couldn’t see the light and I wanted to give up but I didn’t and I’m so glad I didn’t. I am here to tell my story in hope it may show people there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. No one should feel suicide is the only option. I know there is a lot of people out there struggling and I know there has been a lot of suicides in the equestrian community (as well as other communities). However, although the equestrian community has lost many people through suicide, people still struggle to be kind. People still send hateful messages, create hateful groups and pages. People still pick apart people’s lives and spread rumours. Either they don’t care or they just don’t understand. Everyone is fighting their own battle and you never know what is going on behind the screens. Your message could be the last straw for them. That horrid message you sent could be the end of them. Your words could kill someone. Yes read that and understand that. What you say to someone could in fact kill them. So if you take away anything from this, please let it be this.
Think before you send something. Ask yourself this – would you want to receive that message? How would it make you feel?
And most of all BE KIND.
At the start of year 11, I was really into Instagram and everyone was getting Sarahah and tellonym. People were using it so their followers could ask questions. I immediately downloaded them and I enjoyed answering people’s questions. Every now and again there would be some negative message come through but I ignored them. But after a while, it was just hateful messages coming through. I knew some of them came from my ‘so called’ friends as they were the only people I told about some things that came up. I read the messages multiple times a day, I tried to forget about them but I couldn’t. I started believing everything they said. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. That’s where the self-harm came in, the one moment when I hurt myself, I could actually breathe and I felt like a weight had been lifted of my shoulders. It was the only way I could cope with everything. After a while, I deleted the accounts but I had screenshotted every message and I didn’t stop looking at them.
When I first moved in September I made some new friends via social media, at the time I would have said I trusted them with my life. As most friends do, we had our disagreements and our fallings out but I always went back to them. I don’t know why, I just did. But after some time apart one of them decided she had enough, she set up a group chat with 3 of my other friends dedicated to hating on me and sharing anything I told them. They picked apart everything I posted online, they slated every part of my life. Laughed at my problems, it was like hating on me gave them pleasure or something.
This went on for a few months until one of the girls came forward. We had decided to make up and we met up. She told me what had been going on and she showed me every message she had on her phone. As I read them, I couldn’t understand what was going on. I just laughed them off, we went out to the yard and I kind of told my mum and just laughed. But the more time that passed, the more it hurt. While they were saying all this behind my back they acted like my friends, they came to my house and I confided in them and everything I told them in confidence was put into this group chat and laughed about.
I stopped laughing and started crying. I read every message over and over again trying to understand what they were saying. Worst of all I started to believe what they said, I put my trust in them and they betrayed me. I kept my feelings to myself for a bit but then I just couldn’t handle it, I told a friend from school and we then told the school as well. They didn’t really do anything but my mum did. She contacted all the schools the girls were from and their parents and told them what was going on. At first they were very sorry and upset but after they just started hating on me too. They said it was my fault, that the girls just needed to let of steam etc.
The worst part of it was the fact I lost everything. I couldn’t see my horses without bursting into tears. Every time I got on them, the messaged replayed in my head. I didn’t get any enjoyment from the horses anymore just heart ache. I completely lost myself and my amazing passion. I always thought about just ending everything but I just couldn’t go through with anything I had in my head.
I even wrote up adverts for my horses and I thought about selling them every day. I probably rode once or twice a week for over a month. And I only rode then because my friends dragged me out. But after sometime away, I tried to start fresh with the horses. I took all the pressure away of competing and started riding a little more. I slowly started to feel like myself again and I was enjoying the horses again.
I was very lucky to have some true friends by my side. I was in a dark place and although I felt alone, I never was. I know a lot of people don’t confide in their friends and for a while I didn’t but I’m so glad I did. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t know if I would still be here. The way I see it is, your friends would rather spends hours listening to you offload than never being able to speak to you again. No one wants to lose someone through suicide. And that’s because whether you believe it or not, you matter. Everyone matters.
I’m not saying things will immediately get better but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. To this day, every now and again I still think about the horrible messages I received but I choose not to put my trust in them. I instead put my trust in my friends, my family and my coach. It may take time, it may be hard but at the end of the day, if it means you live, isn’t it worth it?
When you take your life, you stop your own pain but you cause pain to others. Everyone who knew you, your family, your friends, even strangers will feel the pain. Some more than others and it will never leave them. If no one knows you’re hurting they can’t help you and that’s why it’s important to be brave and ask for help. Life is always worth living.
My aim with this blog is to show people that behind my social media I was and am still fighting my own battles. But also to show you can get past the bad times. I never post everything on social media and I’m sure no one is 100% honest. With everything I went through, the dark places I was in, I came out the other side. I am now stronger and I decided not to give those people so much power. At the end of the day it’s my life not theirs.
Everyone is fighting their own battle, big or small. And that’s why it is so important to be kind. I still don’t understand why people feel the need to hate on others. When I see comments or messages on social media, my heart breaks. No one deserves to feel suicide is their only option.
Again this has taken a lot of courage to share but I feel like something needed to be said.
Remember BE KIND, always and forever.
Thank you for reading!
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